Birthday Girl

2021-0810 Tuesday. 1200 noon.

I should be writing! My daughter is having a terrific, difficult, unpredictable time. Her behavior has threatened our family's safety. Without writing a detailed report, it's safe to say we are going through it with her, so I should be writing. Writing helps me organize my thoughts, but my thoughts are terribly unorganized. Writing lets me put a cap on my day, but every moment seems like urgent care. Writing gives me a moment to appreciate my blessings, but I feel punished. I should be writing.

Sitting in the shop over lunch, listening to day baseball, "played under God's light" as Thom Looney says, makes things feel normal. As my kid, again, needs residential treatment, and we go on the waiting list, it's been necessary to keep her away from others. My bride has run point and handles all the communication and meetings with the agencies in question. This has allowed me to go to work on my regular schedule without missing hours to help at home. Perhaps it's nagging guilt, but feeling normal has been a rarity. I want to know, sometimes, what goes on in her head. So many times, her hostility and aggression appears compulsive, and other times impulsive. In both cases, it's destructive, and I'm curious how she views it all. It's quite evident that she gets angry at my bride and me, but that typically seems to be after we've stopped her from being destructive, or demand that she do something productive on our timeline. Often, her initial acting out seems like she can't stop it.

Then, today, it's the anniversary of her birth. Sixteen years ago, on this date, my eldest daughter was born to another couple, who ultimately didn't care for her and brother. Today, I had the blessing of being her dad, playing Uno with her and my dad, watching her smile in the infancy of her 17th of life. She's cycled back around. She's pleasant, even clever. She makes amends with me. I hug her and she hugs me back. How many times have we run around this track? The pendulum swings from hostile to hopeful and I'm reminded of my own oscillation. This is my recognition that it's out of my hands. This is my understanding of "the battle is not against flesh and blood". This is my plea that You, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, all powerful, will deliver my daughter from the trauma and strongholds that plague her. This is me, asking for a miracle. This is bakesHere. 2021-0810 Tuesday. 1200 noon. ACQUIRE as NEEDED. bakesHere.com